21st
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Swan Lake: The Cats (1969)
The Awfulness of Having to Clear Your Throat:
It is the biological equivalent of a doorbell, or worse, the bell that sits on an unattended counter to summons service from the back room. One cannot clear one’s throat in a public space without everyone in earshot peeking through and around their mind’s figurative curtains and doorjambs as they anxiously ask themselves, Now who could that be, and what do they want? It elicits paranoia, especially in the emotionally disturbed and some teenagers. An innocuous clearing of the throat may be interpreted as a way of saying, “I know what you’re up to, and you’d better stop,” or “I’m right behind you, and I’m about to strangle you with some piano wire.” Macho men, on the other hand, will understand throat clearing to be an instigative gesture, an animal-like grunt that initiates an altercation between two alpha-males. Clear your throat in the wrong place, and you will soon be in battle!
Though I’ve never been caught in quicksand, I understand that the more you struggle to get out, the stronger the vacuum pulls you in. This is also the case with clearing your throat. The more you clear your throat, the more you have to clear your throat. But of course not clearing your throat is the equivalent to not scratching a mosquito bite. Or worse, waiting to get to the prize at the bottom of a cereal box by eating only one serving a day until it naturally falls into your bowl. It’s just not going to happen without going mad first.
Finally, it is a dreadful sound that defies written transcription. The traditional “ahem” dresses the sound up in a way that is simply unfair. A realistic translation of the rather grating, guttural, stuttering sound would require letters – consonants, probably – to overlap. Some might even need to be cut in half. I find this highly unfortunate and unmusical sound a profound betrayal of the vocal folds. Down with throat clearing!
