Away from the Numbers: The Jam (1977)
America: Falco (1985)
My Zoe the bear tapes were a big hit with my friend Mike. We would drive around listening to cassettes filled with songs marred by a sad, out of tune, fictional, Russian bear. One of our favorite Zoe the bear recordings was done over Falco’s “Rock Me Amadeus.” I think it became our favorite because the mere idea of listening to Falco in 1993 struck us as really funny. Soon, the entire (undubbed) Falco 3 tape would be played from front to back every day after school. As a joke, of course. We’d drive around with the stereo up, the windows down, pretending we were hardcore Falco fans.
One fateful day, however, Mike soberly admitted to me just how much he liked “Tango in the Night.” I looked at him long and hard, trying to read his level of sincerity. My god, he is serious, I thought. However, this gave me the courage to admit that I thought Falco’s cover of “It’s All Over Now, Baby Blue” was actually not that bad, you know, considering. Visibly relieved, Mike asked me what my favorite song was on the tape. Without hesitation I replied, “America.” We no longer needed to pretend. It was no longer a joke. We had become actual Falco fans.
Swan Lake: The Cats (1969)
It is the biological equivalent of a doorbell, or worse, the bell that sits on an unattended counter to summons service from the back room. One cannot clear one’s throat in a public space without everyone in earshot peeking through and around their mind’s figurative curtains and doorjambs as they anxiously ask themselves, Now who could that be, and what do they want? It elicits paranoia, especially in the emotionally disturbed and some teenagers. An innocuous clearing of the throat may be interpreted as a way of saying, “I know what you’re up to, and you’d better stop,” or “I’m right behind you, and I’m about to strangle you with some piano wire.” Macho men, on the other hand, will understand throat clearing to be an instigative gesture, an animal-like grunt that initiates an altercation between two alpha-males. Clear your throat in the wrong place, and you will soon be in battle!
Though I’ve never been caught in quicksand, I understand that the more you struggle to get out, the stronger the vacuum pulls you in. This is also the case with clearing your throat. The more you clear your throat, the more you have to clear your throat. But of course not clearing your throat is the equivalent to not scratching a mosquito bite. Or worse, waiting to get to the prize at the bottom of a cereal box by eating only one serving a day until it naturally falls into your bowl. It’s just not going to happen without going mad first.
Finally, it is a dreadful sound that defies written transcription. The traditional “ahem” dresses the sound up in a way that is simply unfair. A realistic translation of the rather grating, guttural, stuttering sound would require letters – consonants, probably – to overlap. Some might even need to be cut in half. I find this highly unfortunate and unmusical sound a profound betrayal of the vocal folds. Down with throat clearing!
You Belong to Me: Carla Bruni (2008)
You Belong to Me: Steve Martin and Bernadette Peters (1979)
Be Mine or Be a Fool: The Penguins (1955)
